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All the quotes are copied, purloined, stolen, and otherwise filched from the original Secret Diaries by Cassie Claire

So, are you a pervy hobbit fancier too?

Once upon a time, there was a whacky lady named Cassie Claire. In a mildly mischievous mood, she stumbled across a story that suggested Aragorn had a diary. Intrigued by the idea that a fictional character "who seems very busy fighting a war against evil and waiting to be King of Middle-Earth" would have the time or inclination to write a diary, she started to wonder what the content of such a diary might be. Thus, the Very Secret Diaries were born.
Alas, our whacky lady was beset by fans clamouring for more. As her fame grew throughout the Land of Internet, so her desire to write more diaries dimished. On an otherwise unexceptional day, she decided that life had more to offer (and right she was!) and rode off into the sunset. She was seen no more.

Or was she...?

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The Secret Diary of Aragorn son of Arathorn
Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes!
Still not King.
Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me.
Not King today either.
Took a shower. Yay!
But still not King.
My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?
Not so sure about me either.
Still not King, goddammit.
 
The Secret Diary of Legolas son of Weenus
Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me!
Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly.
Orcs so silly.
Still the prettiest.
Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.
Boromir dead. Did get kissed by Aragorn as he expired.
Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get any action?
Boromir definitely not prettier than me.
Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting.
Foresee dark times ahead, very dark times.
 
The Secret Diary of Boromir of Gondor
Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.
Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria. Kind of liked it, actually.
Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier...
Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of time he did not mean with each other.
Stupid Aragorn.
Killed by orcs.
Stupid orcs.
 
The Secret Diary of Frodo Baggins
Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move.
Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount Caradhras.
Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought.
Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow.
Was stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too.
Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go.
Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too.
Offered her One Ring, but she kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you, Frodo Baggins."
Boromir tried to take the Ring.
Am not entirely certain, but am fairly sure he also tried to have a little cuddle.
Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor.
 
The Secret Diary of Samwise Gamgee
Mr. Frodo far too hot to die.
Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.
Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo.
Will kill him if he tries anything.
Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady.
Mr. Frodo is depressed and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the barren wastelands of the Dark Lord's realm.
We will see about that.
 
The Secret Diary of Gandalf the Grey
Is it me, or was Frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I came along?
Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil.
Nobody tells me anything.
Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still angry about bad date we went on back in Second Age.
Yep, Balrog still angry.
 
The Secret Diary of Peregrine Took
Has been twenty-five days since met Aragorn and he has not yet washed his hair.
Is really starting to bother me.
V. dark in mines of Moria. Still sort of a relief as means Boromir cannot corner me and complain how Aragorn is insensitive, stuck up git with hobbit fixation.
Told Boromir I did not feel ready to commit, so he went and got himself shot by Orcs.
Honestly. Humans so oversensitive sometimes.
 
The Secret Diary of Saruman the White
Have met v. nice guy via palantir.
He seems to really like me for me and not just because am most powerful wizard in Middle Earth.
Gandalf just came waltzing by. Wanted to yap on and on all about the ring he gave his new boyfriend, terrible pervy hobbit-fancier old Gandalf is.
Just wants to show off and remind me that he's got a hobbit, and I'm just dating an eyeball.
Did not know when decided to make demon army for Sauron that would be so darn messy.
Curse my decision to be Saruman the White. White just shows all the slime.
 
The Secret Diary of Gimli son of Gloín
Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn of being pervy hobbit-fancier. Completely ignoring hottie elf fiancée in favor of barging about with hairy-footed gnomes in leather breeches.
Fortunately I, Gimli son of Gloin, am here to take care of her loneliness.
Have agreed to go on Quest. Arwen getting awfully grabby.
Would rather spend time with touchy-feely hobbits and poncy elves than hang about Rivendell taking about 'our relationship.'
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite the babe.
While hobbits off power cuddling and Boromir chasing Aragorn, had time to show her a few dwarf tricks.
Cannot get near Frodo without getting bitten on kneecaps by Sam, and Pippin dating Boromir, so will see if perhaps Merry wants to take a nice moonlit stroll tonight.
 
The Secret Diary of Meriadoc Brandybuck
Pippin was prevented from extended cuddle with Frodo by Sam, who in v. surprising butch moment tossed Pippin down a cliff.
Stop-off in Bree resulted in pick-up of disaffected and unshaven human who is obviously pervy hobbit-fancier, not that anyone listens to me.
Woke up last night only to discover Elrond had crawled into bed with me.
Much embarrassment after realizing hobbit he was groping was not Pippin. Have decided to invest in name tag.
Have agreed to go on Quest. Also curious to see what will happen with Frodo, as Aragorn most obviously fancies him. Sam will of course kill him if he tries anything.
Hope he tries something.
Boromir had a go at ruffling Frodo’s hair today and Aragorn almost snicked off his head.
Humans so amusing.
Am in bad mood. Boromir called me Pippin at most inopportune time.
Realize he actually cannot tell me apart from Pippin either. Am doomed to be Indistinguishable Backup Hobbit forever.
Woke up to discover Legolas sneaking under covers with me. Told him was not Pippin. Legolas said, "Not much difference really, eh?"
 
The Secret Diary of Ringwraith No. 5
Met she-elf girlfriend of Isildur’s Heir today. Was so busy laughing at concept of Aragorn the Hobbit Fancier having girlfriend that inconveniently got washed away in stream.
 
The Secret Diary of Gollum
Everyone wants to carry Frodo up mountain. Nobody wants to carry me up mountain.
Nobody ever wants to cuddle me, just because am misshapen and covered in slime, so unfair.
Nobody hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to stalk Ringbearer in Mordor.
 
The Secret Diary of Arwen Undomiel
Someone’s been trying on my dresses again. They are all stretched out of shape, especially the purple one.
Legolas got all shirty when I accused him of trying on my dresses. Says they no longer take him seriously as a man.
He must have missed it when Daddy called him "the gayest gay elf that ever nanced down the pike" at last Council meeting.
Went to Bree. Asked Barliman if had seen Aragorn lately. Barliman said, "What, that pervy hobbit-fancier?" Told him he must be thinking of other Aragorn son of Arathorn. He said, "The Still Not King guy, right?"
Did not respond; some people don’t deserve my conversation.
Doesn’t he ever wash his hair when I’m not around?
Cannot believe am getting all swoony over hobbit.
Repeat to self: "Aloof, unavailable elf princess. Aloof, unavailable elf princess."
Spent quite the night with Gimli. Those braids! That axe! I am smitten.
 
The Secret Diary of Elrond
Bad breakup with Isildur. Would insist on wearing tacky gold jewelry against my advice.
Confirms my suspicions that humans not just weakest race of Middle-Earth, but also cannot accessorize worth a damn.
So bored in Rivendell. Have decided to hold council meeting and name it after myself.
Don't see why we all have to suffer just because Isildur couldn't give up his jewelry habit.
Tried to cheer self up by trying on favorite purple dress of Arwen's. Decided to give Pippin goodbye tour of Rivendell. In process, purple dress got all stretched out of shape.
Pippin told me purple is so my color. Go me!
 
The Secret Diary of Sauron
Dirty weekend with Elrond turned sour when I told him purple was not his color.
God, it's fun to be evil.
Have met v. nice bloke over the palantir. An older gent, seems to have copied hairstyle from Galadriel, but no matter. Finally someone to see past the eyeball.
Some bearded tart with pointy hat trying to horn in on my action. Hmmm. Ex-boyfriend?
Will have to ask S. to clarify.
Is it just me, or is Aragorn son of Arathorn kinda gay?
Maybe is just me.

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