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| The wise men at the manger | Brian song | Sermon on the mount (Big nose) | Stone salesman | Stoning | Ex-leper | You mean you were raped? |
| Link | Revolutionairies in the amphitheatre | Romans go home | Link | What have the Romans ever done for us? | Link | Ben |
| Brian before Pilate (Thwow him to the floor) | Link | Prophets | Beard salesman | Link | Brian's prophecy | Link | The hermit | Link |
| He's a very naughty boy! | Link | Pilate sentences Brian | Nisus Wettus | Pilate with the crowd (Welease Woger) | Nisus Wettus with the jailers | Release Brian |
| Not so bad once you're up | Revs salute Brian | Cheeky is released | Mandy to her son | Look on the bright side of life | End of the film |
| Brian | Hello mother! |
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| Mandy | Don't you hello mother me! What are all those people doing out there? | |
| Brian | Oh! Well, I... er... | |
| Mandy | Come on! What have you been up to my lad? | |
| Brian | I think they must have... popped by for something. | |
| Mandy | Popped by? Swarmed by more like! There's a multitude out there! | |
| Brian | They... they started following me yesterday! | |
| Mandy | Well, they can stop following you right now! Now stop following my son! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! | |
| Crowd | The messiah! The messiah! Show us the messiah! | |
| Mandy | The who? | |
| Crowd | The messiah! | |
| Mandy | There's no messiah in here. There's a mess alright, but no messiah. Now go away! | |
| Crowd | Brian! Brian! | |
| Mandy | Right, my lad, what have you been up to? | |
| Brian | Nothing mum! | |
| Mandy | Come on, out with it! | |
| Brian | Well, they think I'm the Messiah mum. Ah! | |
| Mandy | What have you been telling them? | |
| Brian | Nothing! I only... | |
| Mandy | You're only making it worse for yourself! | |
| Brian | Look, I can explain! | |
| Mandy | Ooh! | |
| Crowd | The messiah! Show us the messiah! | |
| Mandy | Now you listen here! He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy! Now go away! | |
| Crowd | Who are you? | |
| Mandy | I'm his mother, that's who! | |
| Crowd | Behold his mother! Behold his mother! Hail to thee, mother of Brian! Blessed are thou, Hosanna! All praise to thee, now and always! | |
| Mandy | Well... Now don't think you can get around me like that! He's not coming out, and that's my final word! Now shove off! | |
| Crowd | No! | |
| Mandy | Did you hear what I said? | |
| Crowd | Yes! | |
| Mandy | Oh, I see. It's like that, is it? | |
| Crowd | Yes! | |
| Mandy | Oh. Well, alright then, you can see him for one minute. But not one second more, d'you understand? | |
| Crowd | Yes... | |
| Mandy | Promise? | |
| Crowd | Well, alright. | |
| Mandy | Alright, here he is then. Come on Brian, come and talk to them. |
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| Brian | But I don't really want to! | |
| Crowd | Yeeeah! | |
| Brian | Please! Please! Please! Listen! I've got one or two things to say! | |
| Crowd | Tell us! Tell us both of them! | |
| Brian | Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't need to follow me; you don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves! You're all individuals! | |
| Crowd | Yes, we're all individuals! | |
| Brian | You're all different! | |
| Crowd | Yes, we are all different! | |
| Man | I'm not. | |
| Crowd | Shhh! | |
| Brian | You've got to work it out for yourselves! | |
| Crowd | Yes, we've got to work it out for ourselves! | |
| Brian | Exactly! | |
| Crowd | Tell us more! | |
| Brian | No, that's the point! Don't let anyone tell you what to do! Otherwise... | |
| Mandy | That's enough! That's enough! | |
| Crowd | Ooh! That was no minute! | |
| Mandy | Oh yes it was! | |
| Crowd | Oh no it wasn't! | |
| Mandy | Now stop that! And go away! |
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| Cheeky | Excuse me? | |
| Mandy | Yes? | |
| Cheeky | Are you a virgin? | |
| Mandy | I beg your pardon?! | |
| Cheeky | Well, if it's not a personal question: are you a virgin? | |
| Mandy | If it's not a personal question? How much more personal can you get?! Now piss off! | |
| Cheeky | She is. | |
| Man | Yeah, must be. |
| Link man | Brian is arrested and taken before Pilate, where he is sentenced to be crucified. |
| Studio man | Yes. Could... could you that one... just once more? Make it a bit lighter, please. |
| Link man | What? |
| Studio man | A little bit lighter. |
| Link man | Lighter? |
| Studio man | Yes. |
| Link man | Silly, sort of? |
| Studio man | Er.. no. No. Just lighter, would you? |
| Link man | Right. Hm. Brian is arrested and taken befohohore Pilate, whehehere he is sentenced to be... to be crucified? Eh heh? |
| Studio man | Yes, I think that had many things going but... Do you think...? Ehmm... Heavier. |
| Link man | Right. |
| Studio man | Is the key note. |
| Link man | You'd rather, go back to heavy. |
| Studio man | Yes. I... I... |
| Link man | Thank you. Brian is arrested and taken before Pilate, where he is sentenced to be crucified. |
| Studio man | Very good. Lunch everybody! |
| Centurion | Hail Caesar! | |
| Pilate | Hail! | |
| Centurion | The crowd outside's getting a bit restless sir. Permission to disperse them please? | |
| Pilate | Dispewse them? But I haven't adwessed them yet! |
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| Centurion | Er... Well, no sir, but... | |
| Pilate | My addwess is one of the high points of Passovew. My fwiend Biggus Dickus has come all the way fwom Wome just to heaw it! | |
| Centurion | Hail Caesar! | |
| Biggus Dickus | Hail Thaethar! | |
| Centurion | Are you not er... thinking of giving it a miss this year then, sir? | |
| Pilate | Give it a miss? | |
| Centurion | Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today sir. | |
| Pilate | Weally, centuwion, I'm suwpwised that a man like you is wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels. | |
| Centurion | A bit thundery, sir. | |
| Pilate | Take him away! | |
| Brian | I'm a Roman! I can prove it, honestly! | |
| Pilate | And cwucify him well! Biggus. | |
| Centurion | I... I really wouldn't, sir. | |
| Pilate | Out of the way, centuwion. | |
| Biggus | Let me come with you, Pontiuth. I may be of thome athithtanth if there ith a thudden crithith. |
| Nisus Wettus | Crucifixion? |
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| Prisoner | Yes. | |
| Nisus | Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each. Next! Crucifixion? | |
| Cheeky | Eh, no, freedom. | |
| Nisus | What? | |
| Cheeky | Freedom for me.They said I hadn't done anything, so go free, and live on an island somewhere. | |
| Nisus | Oh. Well, that's jolly good. Well, off you go then. | |
| Cheeky | No, I'm only pulling your leg. It's crucifixion really. | |
| Nisus | Oh, I see. Very good, very good. Well, out of the door... | |
| Cheeky | Yeah, out of the way, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left. | |
| Nisus | Line on the left, yes. Thank you. |
Pilate with the crowd (Welease Woger)
| Pilate | People of Jewusalem! Wome is your fwiend! | |
| Crowd | Hahahaha! | |
| Pilate | To pwove our fwiendship, it is customawy at this time to welease a wongdoew fwom our pwisons. | |
| Crowd | Hahahaha! | |
| Pilate | Whom would you have me welease? | |
| Man 1 | Welease Woger! |
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| Crowd | Yeah, welease Woger! Welease Woger! Hahahaha! | |
| Pilate | Vewy well, I shall welease Woger! | |
| Crowd | Yeah! Yeah! | |
| Centurion | Sir... We don't have a Woger sir. | |
| Pilate | What? | |
| Centurion | We don't have anyone of that name sir. | |
| Pilate | Ah. We have no Woger! | |
| Crowd | Aahhh! | |
| Man 1 | Well, what about Wodewick then? | |
| Crowd | Yeah, welease Wodewick! Welease Wodewick! Hahahaha! | |
| Pilate | Centuwion, why do they... tittew so? | |
| Centurion | Just some Jewish joke sir. | |
| Pilate | Are they... wagging me? | |
| Centurion | Oh no sir! | |
| Pilate | Vewy well. I shall welease Wodewick! | |
| Centurion | Sir, we don't have a Roderick either. | |
| Pilate | No Woger, no Wodewick... | |
| Centurion | Sorry sir. | |
| Pilate | Who is this Wodewick to whom you wefew? | |
| Man 1 | He's a wobber! | |
| Man 2 | And a wapist! | |
| Woman | And a pickpocket! | |
| Crowd | Oh, shut up. | |
| Pilate | He sounds a notowious cwinimal. | |
| Centurion | Haven't got him. | |
| Pilate | Do we have anyone in ouw pwisons at all? |
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| Centurion | We have a Samson, sir. | |
| Pilate | Samson? | |
| Centurion | Yes, Samson the Sadducee Strangler, sir, Silus the Syrian Assassin, several seditious scribes form Caesarea, er... sixty-seven seers from... | |
| Biggus Dickus | Let me thpeak to them, Pontiuth! | |
| Centurion | Oh no! | |
| Pilate | Good idea, Biggus! | |
| Biggus | Thitithenth! We have Thamthon the Thadduthee Thtrangler, Thilus the Athyrian Athathin, theveral theditiouth thcribth from Thaetharea, ... |
