|
|
|
|
| The wise men at the manger | Brian song | Sermon on the mount (Big nose) | Stone salesman | Stoning | Ex-leper | You mean you were raped? |
| Link | Revolutionairies in the amphitheatre | Romans go home | Link | What have the Romans ever done for us? | Link | Ben |
| Brian before Pilate (Thwow him to the floor) | Link | Prophets | Beard salesman | Link | Brian's prophecy | Link | The hermit | Link |
| He's a very naughty boy! | Link | Pilate sentences Brian | Nisus Wettus | Pilate with the crowd (Welease Woger) | Nisus Wettus with the jailers | Release Brian |
| Not so bad once you're up | Revs salute Brian | Cheeky is released | Mandy to her son | Look on the bright side of life | End of the film |
| Prophet 1 | And the bezan shall be huge! And black! And the eyes thereof, red, with the blood of living creatures! And the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands there'll be a great rubbing of parts! Yeah... |
 |
| Prophet 2 | ...And the daemon shall bear a nine-bladed sword! Nine-bladed! Not two, or five, or seven, but nine! Which he will wield on all wretched sinners, sinners just like you sir, there. And the horns will be on the head... | |
| Prophet 3 | ...Obadiah, his servants. There shall in that time be rumours, of things going astray. And.. and there shall be a great confusion, as to where things really are. And nobody will really know where lyeth those little things, with a sort of raffia work base, that has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lyeth... the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock. |
| Brian | How much, quick! | |
| Salesman | What? | |
| Brian | It's for the wife! | |
| Salesman | Oh. Er.. twenty shekels. | |
| Brian | Right. | |
| Salesman | What? | |
| Brian | There you are. | |
| Salesman | Wait a minute! | |
| Brian | What? | |
| Salesman | Well, we... we're supposed to haggle. | |
| Brian | No, no, I got to get... | |
| Salesman | What d'you mean, no no no? | |
| Brian | I haven't got time to... | |
| Salesman | Well, give it back then! | |
| Brian | No no no, I just paid you! | |
| Salesman | Burt! | |
| Burt | Yeah? | |
| Salesman | This bloke won't haggle! | |
| Burt | Won't haggle!? | |
| Brian | All right. Do we have to? | |
| Salesman | Now look, I want twenty for that. | |
| Brian | I just gave you twenty! | |
| Salesman | Now you're telling me that's not worth twenty shekels. | |
| Brian | No? | |
| Salesman | Look at it! Feel the quality! That's none of your goat! |
 |
| Brian | All right, I'll give you nineteen then. | |
| Salesman | No no no no. Come on, do it properly. | |
| Brian | What? | |
| Salesman | Haggle properly. This isn't worth nineteen! | |
| Brian | You just said it was worth twenty! | |
| Salesman | Oh dear, oh dear. Come on, haggle. | |
| Brian | Oh. All right, I'll give you ten. | |
| Salesman | That's more like it. Ten?! Are you trying to insult me?! Me, with a poor dying grandmother, ten?! | |
| Brian | All right, I'll give you eleven. | |
| Salesman | Now you're getting it. Eleven!!? Did I hear you right?! Eleven?! This cost me twelve, you wanna ruin me?! | |
| Brian | Seventeen? | |
| Salesman | No no no no, seventeen. | |
| Brian | Eighteen! | |
| Salesman | No, no, you go to fourteen now. | |
| Brian | All right, I'll give you fourteen. | |
| Salesman | Fourteen?! Are you joking?! | |
| Brian | That's what you told me to say! | |
| Salesman | Oh dear. | |
| Brian | Oh, tell me what to say, please! | |
| Salesman | Offer me fourteen. | |
| Brian | I'll give you fourteen. | |
| Salesman | He's offering me fourteen for this! | |
| Brian | Fifteen! | |
| Salesman | Seventeen, my last word. I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead. | |
| Brian | Sixteen. | |
| Salesman | Done. Nice to do business with you! |
| Link man | Brian is on the run from the Romans, and, to avoid capture, pretends to be a lobster. |
| Studio man | Eh... No, I'm sorry, that's my handwriting. It should be preacher. |
| Link man | Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. Preacher. |
| Studio man | Actually, I quite like lobster. |
| Link man | Brian is on the run from the Romans, and, to avoid lobster, captures... |
| Studio man | No, no. There's no lobster. Instead of lobster... |
| Link man | But it says here... |
| Studio man | Yes. No, that's my handwriting. That's capture, see, that's a t. |
| Link man | Oh, on to the lobster. |
| Studio man | Just one more. |
| Link man | Brian is on the run from the lobster, and, to avoid capture... |
| Studio man | No, no, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to stop you there. |
| Link man | Again! |
| Studio man | It's actually on the run from the Romans. You see, that's clearly not lobster. |
| Link man | And that... |
| Studio man | I grant... I grant you that looks a bit like lobster... |
| Link man | .... |
| Studio man | One more time please. And... come on. |
| Link man | Brian is on the run from the lob... from the... from... I'm sorry. Can we do it again? |
| Studio man | Yes. |
| Link man | Brian is on the run from the Romans, and, to avoid capture, pretends to lob... pretends... |
| Studio man | Look, we'll just cut this whole link. |
| Link man | Lobster is rather intrusive, isn't it? |
| Studio man | We'll cut this, this will be an edit. |
| Link man | Oh well. |
| Brian | Don't you ..er, pass judgement on other people, or you might get judged yourself. |
 |
| Man 1 | What? | |
| Brian | I said, don't pass judgement on other people, or else YOU might get judged, too. | |
| Man 1 | Oh really? | |
| Brian | Yes. | |
| Man 1 | Oh. Thank you very much. | |
| Brian | Consider the lily... | |
| Woman | Consider the lily? | |
| Brian | Well, the birds then. | |
| Man 2 | What birds? | |
| Brian | Any birds. | |
| Man 2 | Why? | |
| Brian | Well, have they got jobs? | |
| Man 2 | Who? | |
| Brian | The birds. | |
| Man 2 | Have the birds got jobs?! | |
| Man 3 | What's the matter with him? | |
| Man 2 | He says the birds are scrounging. | |
| Brian | No, no, the point is, the birds, they do alright, don't they? | |
| Man 3 | Well, good luck to 'em! | |
| Man 4 | Yes, they're very pretty! | |
| Brian | Okay! And you're much more important than they are, right? So what are you worrying about? There you are, see! | |
| Man 5 | I'm worried about what you got against birds! | |
| Brian | I haven't got anything against the birds! Consider the lily. | |
| Man 2 | He's having a go at flowers now! | |
| Man 6 | Oh, give the flowers a chance. | |
| Brian | Look, there was this man, and he had two servants. | |
| Man 2 | What were they called? | |
| Brian | What? | |
| Man 2 | What were their names? | |
| Brian | I don't know. And he gave them some talents... | |
| Man 2 | You don't know!? | |
| Brian | Well, it doesn't matter. | |
| Man 2 | He doesn't know what they were called! | |
| Brian | Oh, they were called Simon and Adrian. Now... | |
| Man 2 | Oh! You said you didn't know! | |
| Brian | It really doesn't matter. The point is, there were these two servants... | |
| Man 2 | He's making it up as he goes along! | |
| Brian | No I'm not! And he gave them some... or wait a minute, were there three? | |
| Man 7 | Oh, he's terrible! | |
| Brian | They were stewards, really... | |
| Woman | Ah, get off! |
| Link man | Convinced by a lobster that Brian is the Messiah, a large crowd pursues him outside the city where in the hole of a lone hermit... Oh. |
| Studio man | What? |
| Link man | I missed a bit out there. |
| Studio man | No, no. TO the hole of a lone hermit... |
| Link man | To the hole of... of a lone... hermit. |
| Studio man | I think that's fine, isn't it rather? |
| Brian | Hey! Is there another way down? Is there another path down to the river? |
 |
| Hermit | Mmmmm. Ow, my foot! Oh! | |
| Brian | Sshhh! | |
| Hermit | Oh damn damn damn! | |
| Brian | I'm sorry! Sshhh! | |
| Hermit | Oh damn damn and blast it! | |
| Brian | I'm sorry! Sshhh! | |
| Hermit | Don't you sshhh me! Eighteen years of total silence and you sshhh me! | |
| Brian | What? | |
| Hermit | I've kept my vow for eighteen years, not a single recognisable, articulate sound has passed my lips. | |
| Brian | Well, please, could you be quiet for another five minutes? |
 |
| Hermit | Oh, it doesn't matter now. I can go and enjoy myself! For the past eighteen years I've wanted to shout, and sing, and scream my name out! I'm alive! Hava nagila! Hello birds! Hello trees! | |
| Crowd | Master! Speak to us master, speak to us! | |
| Brian | Go away! | |
| Crowd | A blessing! A blessing! | |
| Follower 1 | How shall we go away, oh Lord? | |
| Brian | Oh just go away! Leave me alone! | |
| Follower 2 | Give us a sign! | |
| Follower 1 | He has given us a sign, he has brought us to this place! | |
| Brian | I didn't bring you here, you just followed me! | |
| Follower 2 | Oh, it's still a good sign by any standard. | |
| Follower 1 | Master! Your people have walked many miles to be with You! They are weary and have not eaten. | |
| Brian | It's not my fault they haven't eaten! | |
| Follower 1 | There is not food in this high mountain! | |
| Brian | Well, what about the juniper bushes over there? | |
| Crowd | A miracle! A miracle! | |
| Follower 1 | He has made the bush fruitful by His word! | |
| Follower 3 | They have brought forth juniper berries! | |
| Brian | Of course they've brought forth juniper berries! They're juniper bushes! What do you expect?! | |
| Follower 2 | Show us another miracle! | |
| Follower 1 | Do not tempt Him, shallow ones! Is not the miracle of the juniper bushes enough? | |
| Hermit | I say, those are my juniper bushes! Clear off! | |
| Follower 4 | Lord! I'm affected by a bold patch! | |
| Follower 5 | I'm healed! The master healed me! I was blind, and now I can see! | |
| Crowd | A miracle! He is the Messiah! | |
| Brian | I'm not the Messiah! | |
| Follower 1 | I say you are, Lord, and I should know, I followed a few! Hail Messiah! | |
| Brian | Listen, I am not the Messiah, do you understand? HONESTLY! | |
| Follower 2 | Only the true Messiah denies His divinity. | |
| Brian | Well what sort of choice does that leave me? Alright, I AM the Messiah! | |
| Crowd | He is! He is the Messiah! | |
| Brian | Now, fuck off! | |
| [silence] | ||
| Follower 1 | How shall we fuck off, oh Lord? | |
| Brian | Oh, I don't know, just leave me alone. | |
| Hermit | You break my bloody foot, you break my vow of silence, and then you try to clean up my juniper bushes! | |
| Follower 1 | This is the Messiah, the Chosen One! | |
| Hermit | No, he's not! | |
| Follower 1 | An unbeliever! Persecute! Kill the heretic! |
| Link man | Brian seizes the opportunity to escape from the crowd and goes home with Judith. Alone together at last, the two rush naked at each other, and meet in a frenzy of darting tongues, grabbing... | |
| Studio man | Er... sorry! This... this bit's all cut, all these pages are out. | |
| Link man | Is it? | |
| Studio man | Yes. Just go from here, from "Early next morning". | |
| Link man | Early next morning... Well.. even this bit here? | |
| Studio man | Yes. No, all this is out. | |
| Link man | Is it? | |
| Studio man | Yeah. Early next morning... | |
| Link man | Early next morning... What? | |
| Studio man | Brian is interrupted by... | |
| Link man | Brian is interrupted by... | |
| Studio man | Mandy, his mother... |
 |
| Link man | Brian is interrupted by Mandy, his mother... | |
| Studio man | Knocking at the door. | |
| Link man | Knocking at the door. | |
| Studio man | Yes. Could you just do that without me saying it..? | |
| Link man | Oh, I see! | |
| Studio man | Yes. | |
| Link man | Early next morning, Brian is interrupted by Mandy, his mother, knocking at the door. | |
| Studio man | I think we can use that. |
