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| The wise men at the manger | Brian song | Sermon on the mount (Big nose) | Stone salesman | Stoning | Ex-leper | You mean you were raped? |
| Link | Revolutionairies in the amphitheatre | Romans go home | Link | What have the Romans ever done for us? | Link | Ben |
| Brian before Pilate (Thwow him to the floor) | Link | Prophets | Beard salesman | Link | Brian's prophecy | Link | The hermit | Link |
| He's a very naughty boy! | Link | Pilate sentences Brian | Nisus Wettus | Pilate with the crowd (Welease Woger) | Nisus Wettus with the jailers | Release Brian |
| Not so bad once you're up | Revs salute Brian | Cheeky is released | Mandy to her son | Look on the bright side of life | End of the film |
| Link man | Do I talk here? |
| Studio man | No, not here, because we've got all this dramatic music, and, you see, we shouldn't have any voice-over here. |
| Link man | Right. Well, I'll er... I'll just nip around the corner, right? |
| Studio man | Er, no no, if you could actually please just stay in the building. We'll need you in a minute or two. |
| Link man | Alright. Er... |
| Studio man | Ssh ssh ssh, here he is now. |
| Roman | What's this then? "Romanes eunt domus"? People called Romanes they go the house? | |
| Brian | It... it says "Romans, go home!" | |
| Roman | No, it doesn't. What's Latin for Roman? Come on, come on! | |
| Brian | Romanus? | |
| Roman | Goes like? | |
| Brian | Annus? | |
| Roman | Vocative plural of annus is? | |
| Brian | Anni? | |
| Roman | Romani... Eunt? What is eunt? | |
| Brian | Go. | |
| Roman | Conjugate the verb to go! | |
| Brian | Ire. Eh... eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt. | |
| Roman | So eunt is... | |
| Brian | Eh... third person plural, eh, present indicative. They go. | |
| Roman | But "Romans go home" is an order! So you must use the... | |
| Brian | Imperative! | |
| Roman | Which is? | |
| Brian | Ehh..um..oh..oh... i! I! | |
| Roman | How many Romans? | |
| Brian | Plural! Plural! Ite! Ite! | |
| Roman | Ite... Domus? Nominative? "Go home", this is motion towards, isn't it? | |
| Brian | Oh yeah... dative... Aah! Not the dative, not the dative, sir! Ah..ah.. eh the accusative, accusative! Ah... domum, sir, ad domum! | |
| Roman | Except that domus takes the... |
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| Brian | The locative! | |
| Roman | Which is...? | |
| Brian | Domum! | |
| Roman | Domum. Um... Understand? | Brian | Yes, sir! |
| Roman | Now write that down a hundred times. | |
| Brian | Yes, sir, thank you, sir, hail Caesar, sir! | |
| Roman | Hail Caesar! And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off. |
| Studio man | Where is he! |
| Man | He's just nipped out to the pub. |
| Studio man | Oh, God! We need him for this link! All right. Meanwhile, on the other side of the town, a group of fanatic revolutionairies plot the overthrow of the entire Roman Empire. That'll do, they'll never notice it wasn't him. |
| Link man | Err... Sorry, sorry. Ehmm... I was just, er... |
| Studio man | It doesn't matter, we've done it now. |
| Link man | Ah. |
What have the Romans ever done for us?
| Man | What exactly are the demands? | |
| Francis | We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman imperialist state, and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her. | |
| Reg | They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had, and not just from us, from our fathers, and from our fathers' fathers. | |
| Stan | And from our fathers' fathers' fathers! | |
| Reg | Yeah. | |
| Stan | And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers! | |
| Reg | All right Stan, don't belabour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?! | |
| Man | The aqueduct? |
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| Reg | What? | |
| Man | The aqueduct. | |
| Reg | Oh yeah, yeah, that they've given us, yeah, that's true, yeah. | |
| Man | And the sanitation. | |
| Stan | Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like. | |
| Reg | Yeah, all right, I grant you, the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things the Romans have done. | |
| Mathias | And the roads! | |
| Reg | Well, yeah, obviously the roads. I mean, the roads go without saying, don't they! But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct and the roads... | |
| Man | Irrigation. | |
| Man | Medicine. | |
| Man | Education! | |
| Reg | Yeah, yeah, all right, fair enough. | |
| Man | And the wine. | |
| All | Yeah, yeah, the wine! | |
| Francis | Yeah! yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Reg, if the Romans left. | |
| Man | Public baths. | |
| Stan | And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, Reg. | |
| Francis | Yeah, they certainly like to keep order. I suppose they're the only ones who could in a place like this! | |
| Reg | Yeah, all right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us!? | |
| Man | Brought peace. | |
| Reg | Oh, peace. Shut up! |
| Link man | The raid backfires. Brian is captured and all the rest are killed. Brian, beaten, bruised, and bleeding, is thrown into Pilate's darkest, stinking dungeon. |
| Studio man | Very good indeed. |
| Ben | You lucky bastard. |
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| Brian | Who's that? | |
| Ben | You lucky, lucky bastard. | |
| Brian | What?! | |
| Ben | Proper little jailor's pet, aren't we? | |
| Brian | What do you mean?! | |
| Ben | You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh? | |
| Brian | Slipped him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face! | |
| Ben | Oohooh, wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face! Sometimes I lay awake at night, dreaming of being spat at in the face. | |
| Brian | Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it? They have me in manacles! | |
| Ben | Manacles! My idea of heaven, is to be allowed to be put in manacles. Just for a few hours... They must think the sun shines out of your arse, sonny. | |
| Brian | Oh, lay off me, I've had a hard time! | |
| Ben | YOU've had a hard time!? I've been here five years, they only hung me the right way up yesterday! So don't you come round... | |
| Brian | All right, all right! | |
| Ben | They must think you're Lord God Almighty. | |
| Brian | What will they do to me? | |
| Ben | Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion. | |
| Brian | Crucifixion?! | |
| Ben | Yeah, first offense. | |
| Brian | Get away with crucifixion!? It's... | |
| Ben | Best thing the Romans ever did for us. | |
| Brian | What! | |
| Ben | Oh yeah! If we didn't have crucifixion, this country'd be in a right bloody mess! | |
| Brian | Guard! | |
| Ben | Nail 'em up, I say! | |
| Brian | Guard! | |
| Ben | Nail some sense into 'em! | |
| Guard | What do you want! | |
| Brian | I want you to move me to another cell! | |
| Guard | Ha! [pftoo] | |
| Brian | Aah! | |
| Ben | Oh! Look at that! Bloody favouritism! | |
| Guard | Shut up you! | |
| Ben | Sorry! | |
| Centurion | Pilate wants to see you! | |
| Brian | Me? | |
| Centurion | Come on! | |
| Brian | Pilate? What does he want to see me for? | |
| Centurion | I think he wants to know which way up you ought to be crucified. | |
| Ben | Oh! Hahahaha haha! Nice one, centurion, like it, like it. | |
| Centurion | Shut up! | |
| Ben | Right. |
Brian before Pilate (Thwow him to the floor)
| Centurion | Hail Caesar! |
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| Pilate | Hail! | |
| Centurion | Only one survivor, sir. | |
| Pilate | Ah. Thwow him to the floow. | |
| Centurion | What sir? | |
| Pilate | Thwow him to the floow. | |
| Centurion | Ah. | |
| Pilate | Now... What is youw name, Jew? | |
| Brian | Brian, sir. | |
| Pilate | Bwian, eh? | |
| Brian | No no, Brrrian. Ow! | |
| Pilate | Hahahaha! The little wascal has spiwit! | |
| Centurion | Has what sir? | |
| Pilate | Spiwit! | |
| Centurion | Yes, he did, sir. | |
| Pilate | No no. Spiwits, bwavado, a touch of dewwing-do. | |
| Centurion | Oh! About eleven, sir. | |
| Pilate | So. You dawed to waid us! | |
| Brian | To what sir? | |
| Pilate | Stwike him, centuwion, vewy woughly! | |
| Brian | Aah! | |
| Centurion | Oh, and er... thwow him to the floor, sir? | |
| Pilate | What? | |
| Centurion | Thwow him to the floor again, sir? | |
| Pilate | Oh, yes, thwow him to the floow please. | |
| Brian | Aah! | |
| Pilate | Now, Jewish wapscallion... | |
| Brian | I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman! | |
| Pilate | A Woman? | |
| Brian | No no, Rrroman. Aah! | |
| Pilate | So, youw fathew was a Woman! Who was he? | |
| Brian | He was a centurion, in the Jerusalem garrison. | |
| Pilate | Weally? What was his name? | |
| Brian | Nortius Maximus. | |
| Centurion | Hahampff! | |
| Pilate | Centuwion, do you have anyone of that name in the gawwison? | |
| Centurion | Well no sir. | |
| Pilate | Well, you sound vewy suwe. Have you checked? |
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| Centurion | Well, no, sir. I think it's a joke sir. Like er... Sillius Soddus, or... Biggus Dickus. | |
| Pilate | What's so... funny about Biggus Dickus? | |
| Centurion | Well, it's a joke name sir. | |
| Pilate | I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus! | |
| Soldier | Mmffff! | |
| Pilate | Silence! What is all this insolence! You will find youwself in gladiatowschool vewy quickly, with wotten behaviouw like that! | |
| Brian | Can I go now sir? Aah! |
| Link man | In the meantime... |
| Studioman | No, er... |
| Link man | During? During? ? |
| Studioman | Yes. Try during. |
| Link man | During the meanwhile... |
| Studioman | No, that's not right. That's not good English. Can you try "during the meantime"? |
| Link man | During the meantime... |
| Studioman | No. That's not right either. |
| Link man | Meantime, meanwhile, mean during the... |
| Studioman | While. |
| Link man | During the while... |
| Studio man | No, that won't work at all. |
| Link man | Well, it sounded quite good to me. |
| Studio man | No, I don't think it's very good English, I'm sorry. |
| Link man | Wouldn't it? |
| Studio man | No. |
| Link man | Oh. During... What did I say? |
| Studio man | During the meanwhilst. |
| Link man | During the meanwhilst... No, I don't like that at all. |
| Studio man | No. |
| Link man | During... Well, what sh.. what should I try? |
| Studio man | We'll just cut this. |
| Link man | What? |
| Studio man | We'll just cut this link. |
| Link man | Well, you don't need it at all? |
| Studio man | I don't think so. |
| Link man | Well, that's all right then... |
