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| The wise men at the manger | Brian song | Sermon on the mount (Big nose) | Stone salesman | Stoning | Ex-leper | You mean you were raped? |
| Link | Revolutionairies in the amphitheatre | Romans go home | Link | What have the Romans ever done for us? | Link | Ben |
| Brian before Pilate (Thwow him to the floor) | Link | Prophets | Beard salesman | Link | Brian's prophecy | Link | The hermit | Link |
| He's a very naughty boy! | Link | Pilate sentences Brian | Nisus Wettus | Pilate with the crowd (Welease Woger) | Nisus Wettus with the jailers | Release Brian |
| Not so bad once you're up | Revs salute Brian | Cheeky is released | Mandy to her son | Look on the bright side of life | End of the film |
| Ex-leper | Alms for an ex-leper. Spare a talent for an old ex-leper? |
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| Mandy | Buzz off. | |
| Ex-leper | Spare a talent for an old ex-leper? | |
| Mandy | A talent? That's more than he earns in a month! | |
| Ex-leper | Half a talent then? | |
| Mandy | Now go away! | |
| Ex-leper | Come on big nose, let's haggle! | |
| Brian | What?! | |
| Ex-leper | All right, cut the haggling. Say you open at one shekel, I start at two thousand, we close about eighteenhundred. | |
| Brian | No. | |
| Ex-leper | Seventeen fifty? | |
| Mandy | Go away! | |
| Ex-leper | Seventeen forty? | |
| Mandy | Look, will you leave him alone! | |
| Ex-leper | All right, two shekels, just two. Is this fun eh? | |
| Mandy | Look, he's not givin' you any money, so piss off. | |
| Ex-leper | All right, that's my final offer, half a shekel for an old ex-leper? | |
| Brian | Did you say "ex-leper"? | |
| Ex-leper | That's right sir, sixteen years behind the bell and proud of it sir. | |
| Brian | Well, what happened? | |
| Ex-leper | Oh, cured sir. | |
| Brian | Cured? | |
| Ex-leper | Yes, a bloody miracle sir. | |
| Brian | Who cured you? | |
| Ex-leper | Jesus did sir! I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden up he comes, cures me! One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone! Not so much as a by your leave! "You're cured mate." Bloody do-gooder! | |
| Brian | Well... why don't you go and tell him that you want to be a leper again? | |
| Ex-leper | I could do that sir, yeah, yeah, could do I suppose. What I was thinking was, I was gonna ask him if he'd make me... a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which was a pain in me ass to be blunt, excuse my French sir... | |
| Mandy | Brian! Come and clean your room up! | |
| Brian | Here you are. | |
| Ex-leper | Thank you sir, thank... Half a dinare for me bloody lifestory! | |
| Brian | There's no pleasing some people. | |
| Ex-leper | That's just what Jesus said sir! |
You mean you were raped? (Nortius Maximus)
| Brian | Have I got a big nose mum? |
| Mandy | Oh, stop thinking about sex! |
| Brian | I wasn't! |
| Mandy | You're always on about it! Morning, noon, and night. Will the girls like this, will the girls like that, is it too big, is it too small.... |
| Mandy | Well, there's a reason it's... like it is, Brian. | |
| Brian | What is it? | |
| Mandy | Your father isn't Mr. Cohen. | |
| Brian | I never thought he was! | |
| Mandy | Now none of your cheek! He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurion in the Roman army. | |
| Brian | You mean... you were raped?! | |
| Mandy | Well... at first, yes. |
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| Brian | Who was it!? | |
| Mandy | Ah... Nortius Maximus his name was. Mmm... Promised me the known world he did. I was to be taken to Rome, house by the Forum, slaves, ass's milk, as much gold as I could eat... Then he, having his way with me he had, voom! Like a rat out of an aqueduct! | |
| Brian | The bastard! | |
| Mandy | Yes, and next time you go on about "the bloody Romans", don't forget you're one of 'em! | |
| Brian | I'm not a Roman mum, and I never will be! I'm a Kike, a Yid, a Hebe, a hooknose! I'm kosher mum! I'm a Red Sea pedestrian, and proud of it! | |
| Mandy | Sex, sex, sex, is all they think about eh? |
| Link man | Link. It just says link here, but er... it doesn't say anything else. |
| Studio man | I'm sorry, yes. I'll deal with this. |
| Link man | Can you? |
| Studio man | [aside] Yes. He just wants to know what's going on. |
| Link man | Leak. Link, link. |
| Studio man | Yes. This is a... |
| Link man | It might be leak. |
| Studio man | No. It's link. We just wanted you to link all the bits together. You see, what we got is a... film... |
| Link man | Yes, I see. |
| Studio man | ...and it doesn't make much sense, er... well, just on a record. |
| Link man | .... |
| Studio man | Well, yes, luckily it's just a sort of nonsense... type comedy group who are doing this... |
| Link man | Oh, I see. |
| Studio man | ...so it doesn't really matter, you know. Kids tend to like this sort of thing. But er.. what we really need to do is link a few of the odd scenes together. |
| Link man | Right. Right. Can do. |
| Studio man | And we want you to.. to do it. Okay? |
| Link man | Fine. Fine. But I will need a few of the words, to sort of ... |
| Studio man | Ah, yes. Kevin's got the words. |
| Link man | Normally they do that sort of thing. |
| Studio man | He's got the words. |
| Link man | Has he? |
| Studio man | Yes. |
| Link man | .... |
| Studio man | He'll bring them in right away. |
| Link man | Ahem. Link. Really, I can't read this. |
| Studio man | Yes, I'm sorry, it's in handwriting. We did it in the pub. |
| Link man | Here there way day, pots nan... |
| Studio man | Hm-hm. |
| Link man | ...arsinliustords, lingsbored. Master master! |
| Studio man | Well, unfortunately, none of the other brothers are here tonight, so we can't really ask them... Maybe, if you just say it as... as written? |
| Link man | Oh. Very well. Don't pass ordiad prug, lack good bits. Uber renées came. Hey! Is the posnd arson arsely stamps, using bee curd. Pethendy killed the merkley. Meanwhile... link. Was that...? |
| Studio man | I think that's the sort of thing they want, yes. |
| Link man | Is it really? |
Revolutionairies in the amphitheatre
| Brian | Larks' tongues; wrens' livers; chaffinch brains ; jaguars' earlobes; wolf's nipple chips, get them while they're hot, they're lovely; dromedary pretzels, only half a dinar; Tuscany fried bats.... |
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| Judith | I do feel Reg, that any anti-imperialist group like ours must reflect such a divergence of interests within its power base. | |
| Reg | Great. Francis? | |
| Francis | Yeah. I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg. Provided the movement never forgets that it is the unalienable right of every man... | |
| Stan | Or woman. | |
| Francis | Or woman, to rid himself... | |
| Stan | Or herself. | |
| Francis | Or herself. | |
| Reg | Agreed. | |
| Francis | Thank you brother. | |
| Stan | Or sister. | |
| Francis | Or sister. Where was I? | |
| Reg | I think you're finished. | |
| Francis | Oh. Right. | |
| Reg | Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man... | |
| Stan | Or woman. | |
| Reg | Why don't you shut up about women Stan, you're putting us off. | |
| Stan | Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg. | |
| Reg | Why are you always on about women, Stan? | |
| Stan | I want to be one. | |
| Reg | What? | |
| Stan | I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me Loretta. |
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| Reg | What?! | |
| Stan | It's my right as a man. | |
| Judith | But why would you want to be Loretta, Stan? | |
| Stan | I want to have babies. | |
| Reg | You wanna have babies?! | |
| Stan | It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them. | |
| Reg | But... you can't have babies! | |
| Stan | Don't you oppress me! | |
| Reg | I'm not oppressing you, Stan, you haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus gotta gestate? You're gonna keep it in a box?! | |
| Judith | Here, I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans', but that he can have the right to have babies. | |
| Francis | Good idea Judith! We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister, sorry. | |
| Reg | What's the point? | |
| Francis | What? | |
| Reg | What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can't have babies?! | |
| Francis | It's symbolic, of our struggle against oppression! | |
| Reg | Symbolic of his struggle against reality... | |
| Brian | Otters' noses. Ocelots' spleens... | |
| Reg | Got any nuts? | |
| Brian | I haven't got any nuts, sorry. I got wrens' livers, badgers' spleens... | |
| Reg | No, no, no... | |
| Brian | Otters' noses? | |
| Reg | I don't want of that Roman rubbish! | |
| Judith | Why don't you sell proper food? | |
| Brian | Proper food? | |
| Reg | Yeah, and not those rich imperialist titbits! | |
| Brian | Well, don't blame me, I didn't ask to sell this stuff. | |
| Reg | All right, bag of otters' noses then. | |
| Francis | Make it two. | |
| Reg | Two. | |
| Francis | Thanks Reg. | |
| Brian | Are you the Judean People's Front? | |
| Reg | Fuck off! | |
| Brian | What?! | |
| Reg | Judean People's Front! We're the People's Front of Judea! Judean People's Front! Cough! | |
| Francis | Wankers! | |
| Brian | Can I... join your group? |
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| Reg | Now, piss off! | |
| Brian | I didn't want to sell this stuff! It's only a job! I hate the Romans as much as anybody! | |
| Reg | Ssshhh! Listen, if you wanna join the PFJ, you'd have to really hate the Romans! | |
| Brian | I do! | |
| Reg | Oh yeah? How much? | |
| Brian | A lot! | |
| Reg | Right, you're in. The only people we hate more than the Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front. | |
| All | Yeah, splitters. | |
| Francis | And the Judean Popular People's Front! | |
| All | Yeah, splitters. | |
| Stan | And the People's Front of Judea! | |
| All | Splitters! | |
| Reg | What? | |
| Stan | The People's Front of Judea! Splitters! | |
| Reg | We're the People's Front of Judea! | |
| Stan | Oh, I thought we were the Popular Front. | |
| Reg | People's Front! What's your name? | |
| Brian | Brian. Brian... Cohen. | |
| Reg | We may have a little job for you, Brian. |
