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"Incidentally, this record is available in the foyer"
Introduction
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Introduction
Good evening! Tonight's motion picture is the .... Monty Python's Life of Brian. Set in North PC, it tells the story of the life of Brian, and also seventy camels, forty-eight goats, sixteen chickens, twelve pigs, two dromedaries and of course the wacky Monty Python boys. And so, without any more do, let's sit back and enjoy highlights from Monty Python's Life of er... Brian.
Click on the tiles in the Table of Contents below or just scroll down at your leisure...
| The wise men at the manger | Brian song | Sermon on the mount (Big nose) | Stone salesman | Stoning | Ex-leper | You mean you were raped? |
| Link | Revolutionairies in the amphitheatre | Romans go home | Link | What have the Romans ever done for us? | Link | Ben |
| Brian before Pilate (Thwow him to the floor) | Link | Prophets | Beard salesman | Link | Brian's prophecy | Link | The hermit | Link |
| He's a very naughty boy! | Link | Pilate sentences Brian | Nisus Wettus | Pilate with the crowd (Welease Woger) | Nisus Wettus with the jailers | Release Brian |
| Not so bad once you're up | Revs salute Brian | Cheeky is released | Mandy to her son | Look on the bright side of life | End of the film |
Brian
The baby called Brian
| Mandy | Aaahh! Who are you?! |
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| Wise man 1 | We are three wise men. | |
| Mandy | What? | |
| Wise man 2 | We are three wise men. | |
| Mandy | Well, what are you doing, creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me! | |
| Wise man 1 | We are astrologers. | |
| Wise man 2 | We have come from the East. | |
| Mandy | Is this some kind of joke? | |
| Wise man 1 | We wish to praise the infant. | |
| Wise man 2 | We must pay homage to him! | |
| Mandy | Homage? You're drunk! It's disgusting! Out! Come on, out! Burstin' in here with tales about oriental fortune-tellers; come on, out! | |
| Wise man 3 | No no, we must see him! | |
| Mandy | Go and praise someone else's brat! Go on! | |
| Wise man 2 | We were led by a star! | |
| Mandy | Led by a bottle more like! Go on out! | |
| Wise man 2 | We... we must see him! We've brought presents! | |
| Mandy | Out! | |
| Wise man 1 | Gold, frankincense, myrrh! | |
| Mandy | Well why didn't you say, he's over there. So you're astrologers are you? Well, what is he then? | |
| Wise man 3 | Hm? | |
| Mandy | What starsign is he? | |
| Wise man 3 | Capricorn. | |
| Mandy | Mm... Capricorn, eh? What are they like? | |
| Wise man 3 | He's the Son of God, our Messiah, King of the Jews! | |
| Mandy | That's Capricorn, is it? | |
| Wise man 3 | No no no, that's just him! | |
| Mandy | Oh, I's gotta say, otherwise there'd be a lot of 'em. | |
| Wise man 2 | By what name are you calling him? | |
| Mandy | Er... Brian. | |
| All | We worship you, o Brian, who are Lord over us all. Praise unto you Brian, and to the Lord our Father. Amen. | |
| Mandy | You do a lot of this then? | |
| Wise man 3 | What? | |
| Mandy | This praising. | |
| Wise man 3 | No no. No no. | |
| Mandy | Well, if you're dropping by again, do pop in! Thank you! Goodbye! Well, weren't they nice! Mm. Out of their bloody minds, but still... |
Brian
The baby called Brian
He grew
Grew grew and grew
Grew up to be
Grew up to be
A boy called Brian
A boy called Brian
He had arms
And legs
And hands
And feet
This boy
Whose name was Brian
And he grew
Grew grew and grew
Grew up to be
Yes he grew up to be
A teenager called Brian
A teenager called Brian
And his face became spotty
Yes his face became spotty
And his voice dropped down low
And things started to grow
On young Brian and show
He was certainly no
No girl named Brian
Not a girl named Brian
And he started to shave
And have one off the wrist
And want to see girls
And wanna get pissed
A man called Brian
This man called Brian
The man they called Brian
This man called
Brian
Sermon on the mount (Big nose)
| Jesus | How blessed are the sorrowful, they shall find consolation. How blessed are those of gentle spirit, they shall have the earth for their possession. How blessed are those who hunger and thirst to see right prevail! | |
| Mandy | Speak up! | |
| Brian | Sh, quiet Mum. | |
| Mandy | Why, I can't hear a thing. Let's go to the stoning. | |
| All | Shh! | |
| Brian | You can go to a stoning any time! | |
| Mandy | Oh, come on Brian. | |
| Man 1 | Will you be quiet! | |
| Wife 1 | Don't pick your nose! | |
| Man 1 | I wasn't picking my nose, I was scratching. | |
| Wife 1 | You was pickinging, while you was talking to that lady. | |
| Man 1 | I wasn't! | |
| Wife 1 | Leave it alone, gimme a rest. | |
| Cheeky | Do you mind, I can't hear a word he's saying! | |
| Wife 1 | Don't you do you mind me, I was talking to my husband! | |
| Cheeky | Well, can't you talk to him somewhere else. I can't hear a bloody thing! | |
| Man 1 | Don't you swear at my wife! | |
| Cheeky | I was only asking her to shut up so we'd hear what he's saying, big nose! | |
| Wife 1 | Don't you call my husband big nose! | |
| Cheeky | Well he has got a big nose! | |
| Man 2 | Could you be quiet, please? What was that? | |
| Cheeky | I don't know, was too busy talking to big nose. | |
| Man 3 | I think it was... "Blessed are the cheesemakers". | |
| Wife 2 | Oh... what's so special about the cheesemakers? | |
| Man 2 | Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally, it refers to any manufacturer of dairy products. | |
| Cheeky | See, if you hadn't been going on we'd have heard that, big nose! | |
| Man 1 | Hey, say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in! | |
| Cheeky | Better keep listenin', might be a bit about "Blessed are the big noses"! | |
| Brian | Oh, lay off him! | |
| Cheeky | Oh, you're not so bad yourself, conk face. Where are you two from, Nose City? | |
| Man 1 | One more time mate, I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners! | |
| Wife 1 | Language! And don't pick your nose! | |
| Man 1 | I wasn't gonna pick my nose. I's gonna thump him! | |
| Wife 1 | You're not gonna thump anybody. |
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| Man 1 | I'll thump him if he calls me big nose again. | |
| Cheeky | Listen, I'm only telling the truth. You have got a very big nose. | |
| Man 1 | Your nose's gonna be three foot wide across your face by the time I'm finished with you! | |
| All | Sshh! | |
| Cheeky | Well who hit yours then, Goliath's big brother? | |
| Man 1 | Oh, right, that's your last warning. | |
| Wife 2 | Oh, do pipe down! Ooh! | |
| Mandy | Oh, come on, let's go to the stoning! |
| Salesman | Stone sir? |
| Mandy | No, they got a lot there, lying around on the ground! |
| Salesman | Oh not like these sir! Look at these! Feel the quality of that! That's craftmanship sir. |
| Mandy | Eh... alright. Two points, er, two flats, and a packet of gravel. |
| Salesman | Should be good one this afternoon. |
| Mandy | Yeah? |
| Salesman | Local boy. |
| Official | Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath? | |
| Matthias | Do I say yes? | |
| Guard | Yes. | |
| Matthias | Yes. | |
| Official | You have been found guilty by the elders of the town, of uttering the name of our Lord, and so as a blasphemer!... | |
| Crowd | Oooh! | |
| Official | ...You are to be stoned to death. | |
| Matthias | Look, I had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was: "That piece of halibot was good enough for Jehovah!" | |
| Crowd | Oooh! |
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| Official | Blasphemy! He said it again! | |
| Crowd | Yeah! Yeah! | |
| Official | Did you hear him? | |
| Crowd | Yeah! Yeah! | |
| Woman | Really! | |
| Official | Are there any women here today?! | |
| Crowd | [silence] | |
| Official | Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me... | |
| Matthias | Ow! Lay off, we haven't started yet! | |
| Official | Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone, come on?! | |
| Crowd | She! She! She! ... He! Him! He did! | |
| Woman | Sorry, I thought [lowers voice] we started. | |
| Official | Go to the back! Always one, isn't there? | |
| Matthias | Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying Jehovah. | |
| Crowd | Iiiih! | |
| Official | You're only making it worse for yourself! | |
| Matthias | Making it worse? How could it be worse? Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah... | |
| Official | I'm warning you, if you say Jehovah once more... Right! Who threw that?! Come on, who threw that! | |
| Crowd | She! She! She! ... He! Him! Him! | |
| Official | Was it you? | |
| Woman | Yes. |
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| Official | Right! | |
| Woman | But you did say Jehovah! | |
| Crowd | Aaaahh! | |
| Official | Stop! Will you stop that! Stop it! Now look: no one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle, do you understand? Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say Jehovah! | |
| Crowd | Aaaahh! | |
| Woman | Good shot! |
